8 tips for when your child refuses

It can be difficult not to take it personally, and react accordingly, when you encounter refusal from your kids. In any form.

So, you’ve asked yourself those four questions. Now what?

Your children need to know that you are in their corner. It’s your role to help them feel seen, heard and understood. Even when that’s not easy!

How, you ask? Here’s 8 practical tips to get you started, with the goal of bringing peace into your home:

#1 Keep an open conversation:

Have an open conversation going with your kids around how expectations work around the house. Let them know that sometimes a “bad” day happens. Every so often, that might mean that one of them just needs excused for the day, or even just from a particular responsibility.

This way, when you can see that they need grace for today, you can offer it.

You can give them the time and room to readjust their headspace. They’re human too, after all.

#2 Listen:

At some point, when you’re not in the middle of the emotional rollercoaster (so when both of you are calm and composed), have a chat about what’s going on. Find out if they can tell you what it is that they don’t like about this.

What do they really mean when they declare a defiant “no”?

#3 Discuss the “why”:

After listening to their side, and drawing them out through questions where needed, talk to them about why you believe this particular thing is important. Why it matters in your family; in your home.

Then, ask them what they suggest as a solution.

You might be surprised by the outcome. It might be as simple as clarifying exactly how many days of the week this expectation is relevant, and them realising that what you ask of them is, in fact, manageable. Or you might both agree on a way you can adjust or reduce what you’re asking of them.

#4 Show grace, sometimes:

Some days, your child needs you to lean in. To show that you really hear them, and you get this. And then show grace:

“You know what, I can see that you are finding this really hard. I don’t normally say this, but I wonder if we take a break and get back to it tomorrow?”

#5 Be their rock and cheerleader:

Other days, your child needs you to be their rock and remind them how many times they’ve persisted before and succeeded:

“When you first learnt to walk, imagine if you’d taken a step or two, plonked down, and refused to ever try again because it was too hard? But you didn’t, because every mistake helped you learn how. And look at you now! You can do this too, I know you can!”

#6 Offer choice:

Sometimes it’s something non-negotiable, but they just need to feel like they have some choice in the matter:

“Well, you don’t have to do it right now. In fact, you can have until 3pm to decide when and how you’ll do it. But, at 3pm if it’s still not done, then I decide: and that means you’ll have to do it right then, without a single complaint.”

#7 Get creative:

Is there a way that this particular task, or subject, could be achieved in a different way?

If it’s a job they really don’t like, offer to swap it for something you don’t like – it’ll either be a win-win, or they’ll realise their job isn’t so bad, after all. If it’s a subject like writing that they’re particularly opposed to, there are so many ways the mechanics of writing, or storytelling, can be applied in real life situations.

If you can’t come up with a suggestion, ask them to! Or pop your question here in the comments, and see what ideas others here can come up with for you.

#8 And finally, take heart:

Sometimes, we just need to realise that our children’s attitudes will not necessarily always be positive toward the things that we know are valuable for them. And we, as parents, need to be the ones who make the choice to push through, regardless.

Because when all is said and done and you know you’ve been fair, gracious and kind in your approach… dare I say it… there’s a place for pointing out that they need to get over their “stink” attitudes and just get on with it.

You’re not alone in this, I promise! We all have the same goal here: for our homes to be a space that feels like a haven for ourselves and our families.

Part of achieving this is doing what we can to navigate tricky moments like these with peace, kindness and consistency.

Has this helped? I’d love to hear! As always, please pass it along with my blessing to anyone else you think might find this valuable.

Do you have another tip that’s made a difference for you? Let us know, below!

Kristy x